To Date or not to Date
I have been single for quite awhile now. I have dated here and there, had a short relationship that ended 4 years ago. I have wondered whether or not it is fair to anyone at this point to start a relationship given my health issues. Not knowing if I will be starting any sort of chemo or radiation therapy next month if my tumor has grown. Both of those come with side effects which could range from mild to severe. Whether I get in on a clinical trial which will also come with possible side effects. Is it fair to ask of a new relationship to go through all of that? I have come to the conclusion for me that it doesn't seem fair to ask that.
I am concerned about doing it alone but have made it this far and figure I can go through this on my own with the support of my family. It is not the same as having an intimate partner, but I will make this work. I do feel lonely at times, wishing I had a partner to come home to, who will message me and say "I love you, and it will be ok". In reality I guess on some level I probably feel like I don't deserve this anymore. I have had my time, and at nearly 50 I feel too tired with everything else going on in my life to try to put energy into building a new relationship. Pessimistic? Realistic? Call it whatever you want.
I am concerned about doing it alone but have made it this far and figure I can go through this on my own with the support of my family. It is not the same as having an intimate partner, but I will make this work. I do feel lonely at times, wishing I had a partner to come home to, who will message me and say "I love you, and it will be ok". In reality I guess on some level I probably feel like I don't deserve this anymore. I have had my time, and at nearly 50 I feel too tired with everything else going on in my life to try to put energy into building a new relationship. Pessimistic? Realistic? Call it whatever you want.
At 22 about to be 23, I relate to this so much. This disease is hard, exhausting, and yes isolating at times. I ask myself constantly if it’s fair to be in a relationship with someone when I don’t know the long term side effects of my treatments and until October 23rd... I don’t know if this is genetic if so I want my tubes tied. I ask myself, is it fair to put another human being whom loves me through this especially when he already has a daughter that I love deeply. I ask if it’s fair for her to get attached to me when I’m not sure of the outcome of my life. I feel like even though I’m in a relationship with someone that my life is on hold. I can’t work so no money coming in to do things for my partner. No money coming in to contribute to a better future. I ask is it fair that when he inevitably asks me to move in that he’d be a caretaker of me? Going to appointment after appointment, seeing the side effects up close and personal, dealing with my depression that comes from the disease... etc. He and I have broken up before because I pushed him away because of this illness. I’m trying to accept what he said, “I’m an adult, I know what you’ve said and your disease entitles. It is not your job to protect me or make decisions on my part. I choose you, all of you... so shut up (lol).” I think at 50 years old you have a lot of life/fight left in you. My advice be upfront as soon as possible, if they walk away- move on because they aren’t equipped. You DESERVE happiness and companionship. Fight for it, you are a warrior.
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